Marriage Advice | What men need. Just ask.
Photos by Briana Lindsey Photography
Today is my stud of a husband's birthday and his last year in his 20's! This will be the 8th birthday I've celebrated as his girl (where has time gone?) and I could not be more thankful that he chose me. Out of every amazing girl he could've chosen in the world, he picked me. He chose me forever. If you haven't already heard the story of how we met, click here to read it.
When you first meet someone, you typically experience that honeymoon stage. You feel those butterflies every time you kiss and every time you touch and then the most amazing day in the world comes when he gets done on one knee and asks you to be his wife. Of course you say "yes" and you feel like the luckiest girl in the world because he chose YOU. Out of everyone in the world, he wants to be with you for the rest of your life and for the rest of his.
You plan a beautiful wedding, you tie the knot and have the best day of your life together and then you head out on the most perfect honeymoon. And that honeymoon stage continues...
And while it would be pretty awesome if that honeymoon stage lasted forever, it doesn't. It just doesn't.
Marriage is hard and marriage takes a whole lot of work and when kids come around, it gets even harder. You're tired and there's more laundry to do and there are non-stop messes to clean and I know I'm not alone when I say that I've felt that I'm pulling all of the weight here at home. And even when my husband helps out, it's never enough.
We've argued and we've yelled and we've gone to bed mad at each other because one of us feels like she's pulling all of the weight.
And that person is me.
Anyone else ever feel like this or am I totally alone?
I'm not here to bash my husband, but I'm here to tell you something that just hit me a couple of weeks back like 34 tons of bricks. It was my "aha" moment and a realization about our marriage that I sure wish I had understood years ago. But it happened now and I'm here to share it with you.
I've thought this time and time again:
"Why can't my husband just do the dishes without me asking? Why can't he vacuum or clean up Ava's toys or do a load of laundry without me asking him to do so?"
And up until a couple of week's ago, I didn't realize that this is what my husband has been thinking all of this time:
"I don't want to do the dishes and then have Jenn get mad at me for doing them incorrectly. I don't want to do the laundry and then accidentally shrink her favorite shirt. If I clean up the toys or vacuum, I may wake Ava up which would start an argument right before bed. Jenn is so great at keeping the house in order that I just don't want to step on her toes."
Now before you think to yourself -- hey, these are all just terrible excuses -- hear me out.
Women (typically) want their husbands to do things without having to ask them. It's our love language. It's my love language. And asking him to do these things before he does them, ruins the whole sexiness of him actually doing it. Seriously, there is nothing more sexy than me walking into the kitchen and seeing him loading up all of those dishes and scrubbing the counters without me asking him to.
And for men (typically), they just don't want to step on our toes or do it wrong or honestly have no idea we even need help or want help....because we don't ask.
I could go on and on about this but I'll just leave it at this:
If you want his help, ask him for it.
Tell him that cleaning and acts of service are your love language and tell him that you find all of that sexier than ever. Tell him that it makes you feel more in love with him than ever before when he unloads the dishwasher and re-fills it. Tell him what you need or he will never know. Believe it or not, men aren't mind readers and just like you need direction on his wants and needs in life, he needs direction too.
Just ask. And tell him what you need.